


Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Abridged

by kierandell1409



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abridged, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:42:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28459959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierandell1409/pseuds/kierandell1409
Summary: It's the fifth part of a series. You should know what this is about by now.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Cousin Deranged

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year people, look what I’m back to working on. I have been looking forward to starting this for a while now, since I’ve had some…fun, shall we say, planned later in the book, regarding a certain character. But anyway, let’s get into this, and forget about that shitshow that was 2020.

Harry: *narrating* So, you’re probably wondering why I’m lying outside the window of my aunt and uncle’s house, waiting to listen to the news. And the answer to that is…  
Vernon: BOY! Shut the fuck up, or I’ll come out there and shut you the fuck up.  
Harry: You’re not supposed to know I’m here.  
Petunia: How are we supposed to not know you’re there when you keep narrating to yourself? Besides, why do you even care about the news?  
Harry: I told you, Voldemort *loud thundercrack* is back and I’m trying to figure out what he’s been up to.  
Vernon: Boy, I told you that your kind doesn’t get mentioned in our news. You’re not important enough for that.  
Petunia: Yeah, stick to that shit the owls are bringing you.  
Harry: Did you not just hear the thunder that happened when I said Voldemort’s *thundercrack* name?  
Vernon: Silly Harry, thunder happens all the time.  
Harry: On bright sunny days? Where there’s not a cloud in the sky?  
Vernon: I will choose to believe it’s normal as long as it either annoys you or makes you think that you’re crazy. Now, bugger off, the news is about to start, and no fifteen-year-old has ever been interested in that.  
Harry: Pretty sure there are some, just not the majority.  
Petunia: Well, Duddykins isn’t, therefore no fifteen-year-olds must care.  
Harry: That’s because Dudley doesn’t know his left from right.  
Vernon: How dare you speak that way about your favourite cousin. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!  
Harry: I’m not in the house.  
Vernon: Then off my property, I don’t know.  
Harry: Fine, whatever *leaves*

*later, in a park*  
Harry: *narrating again* So, as I was saying, I’m trying to find out what the hell Voldemort’s *thunderclap* up to, since he’s been very quiet lately, despite having just come back from the near dead he’s been for the last decade and a half. He should have…  
Dudley: Hey Harry.  
Harry: I just cannot narrate in peace, can I?  
Dudley: And you can’t sleep quietly either, can you?  
Harry: Well, when you see a guy who was too pure for this world get murdered right in front of you, then have his body stolen by some weird pale guy, you might have some idea of how PTSD works you moron.  
Piers: Did he just say he had an STD?  
Dudley: I think he did, which is weird since I doubt he’s even had sex.  
Harry: Wait, Piers? I thought you were just a one-off character from the first book.  
Piers: Fuck you.  
Dudley: No, it sounds like his boyfriend Cedric already did that.  
Harry: Wait, I’m confused. Am I supposed to be a virgin or not?  
Piers: Can we just beat the shit out of him now?  
Dudley: Yes we…did it suddenly get very cold?  
Harry: Weird for a day like…oh no…

Dudley: What? What happened?  
Harry: They can’t be here…  
Piers: What the fuck is he talking about?  
Dementor 1: OM NOM NOM *immediately grabs and sucks out Piers’s soul*  
Harry: Oh no, how horrible. Now people will miss…that guy…  
Dudley: Harry, what the fuck is going… *another dementor grabs him and starts sucking out his soul*  
Harry: Holy shit, this could be the best day of my life. All I have to do is wait, and…  
Dementor 1: DELICIOUS NOM NOM! Join me brother for much tastier nom nom.  
Dementor 2: *still holding Dudley* This nom nom…I feel…sick…go on without me… *dies*  
Harry: I think your friend just tried to suck the stupid out of my cousin.  
Dementor 1: YOU DARE MOCK US?! I’m going to…  
Harry: *pulls out wand* EXPECTO PATRONUM! *blasts dementor with a silver stag*  
Dementor 1: FUCK YOU! *flies away*

Harry: There, problem solved. And even better, no muggle witnesses.  
Mrs. Figg: Harry?  
Harry: God damn it. Look, Mrs. Figg, I’m gonna need you to…  
Mrs. Figg: Boy, do you really think I’m ignorant enough to not know magic when I see it?  
Harry: …never mind then.


	2. A Group of Night Birds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets Dudley home, and suddenly there were owls everywhere.

Harry: So, uh…you know about magic then?  
Mrs. Figg: What, did you think I was just some dotty old lady?  
Harry: …I mean, yeah, you came across as… *gets whacked by her cane*  
Mrs Figg: I’m a squib if you must know. Now, grab your cousin and get him back to your aunt and uncle’s place.  
Harry: I thought I was supposed to keep my wand out to protect us in case the dementors came back?  
Mrs. Figg: Yep.  
Harry: You…you do know how much he weighs right?  
Mrs. Figg: I know. I remember what he did to the poor cake truck driver.  
Harry: Being digested by a fourteen-year-old does unspeakable things to a man. But anyway, I suppose I could use Wingardium Leviosa to… *gets whacked with the cane again* God damn it, stop that.  
Mrs. Figg: Are you mad boy? You’re already in deep shit with the Ministry as it is. It’ll be a miracle if you’re not expelled after this.  
Harry: For defending myself? That’s such bullshit.  
Mrs. Figg: No, what’s bullshit is that idiot Mundungus Fletcher who was supposed to be keeping an eye on you. But no, keeping his various legally questionable enterprises alive is more important than making sure the most famous wizard alive stays out of trouble.  
Harry: …alright, I officially have no idea what’s going on.  
Mrs. Figg: Oh, allow me to explain. You see, when you were first brought to Privet Drive, I had just found Mittens the twenty-fifth wandering the streets. Anyway, I knew this was a special cat, because she looked super wise, almost a human-like intelligence. Anyway, one night I was dreaming that she became an actual human, a woman wearing green who seemed sick of everyone’s shit, and she explained the situation with you. After that Mittens the twenty-fifth disappeared for a while, but came back a couple of months ago and did her transformation again, and again explained what was going on, before disappearing again.  
Harry: Wait, McGonagall told you to keep an eye on me? *gets whacked with the cane again* Son of a…  
Mrs. Figg: Didn’t I just say Mittens the twenty-fifth told me everything? Anyway… *loud crack, and suddenly a man was standing there* YOU! Mundungus Fletcher! *storms over to him*  
Mundungus: That’s my name, what did I… *starts getting hit by Mrs. Figg’s cane* Ow, jeez, what the fuck? I was only gone five minutes.  
Mrs. Figg: Yeah, enough time for fucking DEMENTORS to invade the area and attack Harry, you *smack* God *smack* damn *smack* wanker *smack*  
Harry: I have never appreciated you until now.  
Mundungus: Okay, how in the hell was I supposed to know dementors would show up here, of all places?  
Mrs. Figg: I don’t know, but someone now needs to tell Mittens the twenty-fifth.  
Mundungus: Okay, when are you going? *gets hit with the cane again* Okay, okay, jeez *apparates out of there*  
Harry: He does raise a good question. Why were they here? Also, if you knew I was a wizard the whole time, why didn’t you say anything?  
Mrs. Figg: Silly Harry, do you really think your aunt and uncle would let me watch you if they knew I was making sure you were safe? Or if I let you know your tragic backstory?  
Harry: …okay, good point, but…  
Mrs. Figg: Now pick up your cousin and let’s go.  
Harry: He weighs as much as a bus. Can’t you help?  
Mrs. Figg: Nope *leaves*

*later, at the Dursley’s house*  
Mrs. Figg: Okay, we’re here now. See ya *leaves*  
Harry: *out of breath after dragging Dudley ten blocks* Abandoning me *puff* when I *puff* need them the most? *puff* That just *puff* summarises *puff* my relationship *puff* with every *puff* adult ever *knocks on door and collapses under the weight of Dudley*  
Petunia: *opens door and sees Dudley passed out on top of Harry* OH NO! VERNON! DUDLEY’S DEAD!  
Vernon: WHAT?! *storms out to the front and picks up his son* Dudley, Dudley, speak to me my boy.  
Dudley: …ugh…  
Vernon: HAHA! He lives *sees Harry on the ground and yanks him up by his hair* In your face, your assassination attempt failed.  
Harry: *sarcastically* Yes, that’s what happened, I attempted to kill him, then allowed myself to be crushed under his weight.  
Vernon: That counts as a confession.  
Harry: Sarcasm is NOT a confession.  
Vernon: In this house it is, and only when you use it.  
Petunia: Vernon, we have to find out what he did to our boy, so he can reverse it.  
Vernon: Ah yes, you will tell us what you did to Dudley right now, or I’ll…  
Harry: Okay, first of all, all I did is drag him back here. And I say drag because he’s too damn heavy to carry normally…  
Dudley: …he did do that…  
Vernon: HA! You admit to being the reason he’s so scraped up, and it’s all your magic’s fault. You can’t deny…  
Harry: Really clutching at straws in order to blame magic, aren’t you?  
Dudley: …father, he… *gets cut off by an owl swooping in with a letter*  
Vernon: HA! Can’t deny it now, can you?  
Harry: Owls are hardly a confirmation of magic *opens letter*  
Letter: Dear Mr. Potter, you done fucked up big time. After your breach of using magic in in the presence of muggles in 1992…  
Harry: Oh, come on. That one wasn’t even me.  
Letter: …you willingly used the Patronus Charm in a muggle neighbourhood; therefore, you are expelled from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Also, we’re putting you on trial, so please don’t fight the nice men coming to destroy your wand.  
Harry: …well…shit…

Vernon: What? What’s happening?  
Harry: …well, in about two minutes, there’s gonna be a magical fight right where you’re standing. I’m only telling you this as a final act of politeness before I go down fighting some guys from the magical government.  
Vernon: The fuck is you talking about? *snatches letter* You were EXPELLED?!  
Dudley: …he…was trying… *Errol flies straight into a wall behind Harry, also carrying a letter*  
Harry: Oh Errol, how badly your comic relief was needed just now *sees Errol lying in a pool of blood* …oh… *opens letter*  
Letter 2: Harry, whatever you do, don’t fight the ministry guys. Me and Dumbledore are going to try and tell the ministry they’re being meanie-beanie-fo-feanies. And let’s face it, there are no adults in the world more trustworthy than us, right? Signed, Arthur Weasley.  
Harry: …so like I said, there’s gonna be a showdown VERY soon, and… *another owl flies in*  
Vernon: God damn it, what’s with all the fucking owls?  
Harry: Listen, shit is going down right now. I’m amazed there’s only been three owls so far. Speaking of which… *opens new letter*  
Letter 3: Dear Mr. Potter. We have decided not to expel you yet. However, you still have to go to trial, where you will be expelled. Have a nice night.  
Vernon: For the love of… *snatches third letter from Harry* Oh, so now you’re not expelled? How’d you bribe them?  
Harry: They obviously changed their minds. Honestly, do you really think I could bribe them? With what money? It’s not like I have a mountain of gold buried in a vault somewhere under London or something…  
Petunia: Now that you mention it, your father’s parents were always pretty well off. I wonder what happened to his…  
Harry: Hey, let’s talk about literally anything else and forget I said that.  
Vernon: Okay. What the fuck is a Patronus charm, and what the fuck did it do to my boy? Because that’s what I’m going to do to you.  
Harry: Oh, that? It just chases off dementors.  
Vernon: What the fuck is a dementor?  
Petunia: The guards of Azkaban, the wizard prison. They suck out happiness *everyone stares at her in shock*

Harry: …what?  
Petunia: My sister was a witch. Did you seriously think I was completely ignorant about things like this stuff?  
Harry: Yes, because you hated her and her kind. I assumed you… *another owl flies in*  
Vernon: God damn it, what is with this peck of owls?  
Harry: Actually, the collective noun for owls is a parliament.  
Vernon: Why the fuck would it be called that?  
Harry: Because owls are supposed to be wise. Obviously, that didn’t work out too well.  
Vernon: Are you implying that Prime Minister Boris Johnson isn’t wise?  
Harry: IT’S 1995! John’s Major’s still in power.  
Vernon: Whatever. What’s it say?  
Harry: It’s from my godfather *sees Vernon and Petunia flinch* You remember my godfather Sirius, right? The serial killer?  
Vernon: *sounding scared* What…what does he want?  
Harry: *sees it’s just telling him to stay put* Uhh…that I should get chocolate ice-cream for saving your son?  
Vernon: *eyes narrowing* I’m almost positive you’re lying, but I can’t take that…  
Petunia: You’re missing the point here. Why were there even any dementor here?  
Harry: Oh, that. Probably because Voldemort’s back.

Petunia: WHAT?! You didn’t think to mention this at ANY point?  
Harry: Like I said earlier, I didn’t think you cared.  
Vernon: Who the fuck is Voldemort?  
Harry: Basically wizard Hitler.  
Vernon: Oh really? Are you a wizard Jew?  
Harry: Actually, his equivalent of Jews is muggles. So…you’re a wizard Jew to him.  
Vernon: Go fuck yourself.  
Petunia: Actually, I think technically mudbloods like your mother would be considered wizard Jews to him.  
Harry: Okay, you can stop with the wizard knowledge. It’s weird hearing you of all people talk about it.  
Vernon: There’s only one way to fix this: leave.  
Harry: …what?  
Vernon: You heard me, get the fuck out of my house.  
Harry: Alright, sounds good to… *another owl flies in*  
Vernon: What the fuck is it now?  
Harry: Oh great, we have a howler now *goes to pick it up before seeing who it’s addressed to* Umm, it’s addressed to you *hands it to Petunia*  
Petunia: Yeah, I’m not reading that.  
Harry: It’s a Howler. If you don’t open it, it’ll open itself and read itself out to you anyway.  
Petunia: Doesn’t mean I have to do it. If I ignore it maybe it’ll go away.  
Howler: DON’T IGNORE ME PETUNIA, and don’t let Harry leave, or you’ll know what will happen *tears itself up and throws itself in the trash*  
Vernon: Petunia, what was that about?  
Petunia: …never mind, but Harry stays.  
Harry and Vernon: WHAT?!  
Petunia: Just…just do it, okay?  
Harry: …well, my life just got a helluva lot weirder.


	3. Forward Escort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets taken from the Dursley's place by a large group of witches and wizards.

Harry: Okay, it’s been like four days now, and no-one from the wizarding world has said shit to me. What the hell is going on?  
Vernon: *wearing his best suit* I don’t know, but the rest of us are going out. We got tickets to the opera.  
Harry: Seems oddly classy for you.  
Vernon: Yeah, well, Dudley suggested it, so…  
Harry: Wait, DUDLEY?!  
Vernon: He’s a smart boy, my son. Probably figured after you nearly killed him…  
Harry: That’s not what happened.  
Vernon: …that he should try to expand his mind a bit with different cultural influences. His words, not mine.  
Harry: There are at least six words in that sentence that I refuse to believe he actually knows the meaning to.  
Vernon: Yeah, well, don’t leave your room, don’t eat anything out of the kitchen, and no trying to communicate with your magic friends. We need to get going *locking Harry’s door* Petunia, Dudley, Harry’s all locked up. Are you ready to go?  
Dudley: *muffled from behind the door* Is it really necessary to lock my dear cousin up? Especially since he recent defended me from some soul-sucking demons that intended to cause grievous harm to myself and him.  
Petunia: *also muffled* Aww, my little Duddykins, you sound so smart now. Isn’t it adorable Vernon?  
Vernon: *muffled* Indeed. But now, we must be off.  
Dudley: Now I wonder if my message got through to them *leaves with Vernon and Petunia*  
Harry: Huh, weird *sees Hedwig fly in through the window* Where have you been? Whatever, you can deliver this for me *ties two notes to Hedwig’s leg* Take those to Sirius and Hermione. They need to know what happened the other day. Maybe one of them might have some idea how to handle this. Or in Hermione’s case, she’ll call me an idiot for believing in magic. Either way, off you go *Hedwig flies away* Okay, that that’s done, back to brooding *something breaks in the kitchen* Never mind, we have burglars.

???: *from downstairs* Damn it Tonks, we’re trying to be quiet.  
Tonks: Oh, come on Alastor, we’re magic. We can break whatever we want, and fix it before anyone notices.  
Harry: Wait, Alastor? As in Alastor Moody?  
Moody: Somebody get that kid down here, we need to get going.  
???: I’ll go get him.  
Harry: Was that… *doors opens* Professor Lupin?  
Lupin: Harry, you know I’m not a teacher anymore.  
Harry: Yeah, but you’re still the only Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher we’ve had that hasn’t been completely awful.  
Lupin: I tried to kill you though.  
Harry: So have the other three. You’re not special.  
Lupin: Oh…you wanna come downstairs?  
Harry: I assume you’re taking me to The Burrow?  
Lupin: Taking, yes. The Burrow, no.  
Harry: Eh, as long as I’m out of here *follows Lupin downstairs* How’d you know the Dursley’s would be out of here tonight though?  
Lupin: We had an anonymous tipoff that they’d be gone. I assumed you knew since it came to us via Hedwig.  
Harry: …no, I only just sent her out to send a message to Sirius and Hermione a few minutes ago.

Lupin: Huh…well, meet the Advance Guard *motions to a bunch of witches and wizards in the kitchen* You already know Moody…  
Harry: Not really, since it turned out to be Doctor Who trying to kill me.  
Moody: If I had the chance, I’d have made him wish he could regenerate.  
Lupin: This lovely lady here is Nymphadora Tonks…  
Tonks: Okay, first, do NOT call me Nymphadora. Second, do NOT call me a lady, I identify as a fighter jet.  
Lupin: …right. Well, this man here is Kingsley Shacklebolt.  
Kingsley: Hello Harry, I bet this is your first time seeing a black man in England, right?  
Harry: Actually, I can think of at least three black kids from school.  
Kingsley: DAMN IT, they probably took all the good black stereotypes. Now I won’t have any personality.  
Harry: Do you need a good black stereotype as your personality?  
Kingsley: …I mean, I guess not, but…  
Lupin: And this is the rest of the Advance Guard *motions to the other five*  
Harry: You’re not going to introduce me?  
Lupin: Are you going to remember any of them?  
Harry: Probably not.  
Dedalus Diggle: But Harry, I’m the guy who bowed to you at that muggle mall.  
Harry: Did Rowling really bring back someone so minor for this?

Moody: Never mind that now, we have to get out of here.  
Harry: Finally, I can go live somewhere that isn’t here. How are we getting there, by the way? Apparation? Portkey?  
Moody: Broomsticks.  
Harry: …you’re kidding.  
Moody: Remus tells me you’re a good flier, and with a Firebolt I have no doubt about…  
Harry: It’s not my ability to fly that should be in question, it’s the fact that I just barely avoided being kicked out of school for using magic, and now you want me to fly to who knows where on a broomstick, where lots of muggles will likely see?  
Tonks: We’ll magic you to be camouflaged.  
Harry: THAT’S all your getting from my concern?  
Kingsley: What’s the worst that could happen?  
Harry: That’s exactly what you ask before the worst thing that could happen happens.  
Moody: Come on, we have places to be. Now, remember: if someone dies, just keep going. Especially you, Harry.  
Harry: What the actual fuck is going on?  
Lupin: It’s nothing you need to concern yourself over.  
Harry: I feel like it’s something I should be very concerned over if someone could potentially DIE!  
Moody: Everyone on your brooms, and we’ll be off.  
Harry: There’s no way we’re going to do this without being seen.

*later, in a London park*  
Harry: How the hell did we do that without getting seen? Seriously, we’re in fucking LONDON now, one of the most populous cities in the world.  
Tonks: Silly Harry, it’s night time. That’s why we weren’t seen.  
Harry: IT’S ONLY NINE P.M.! There should still be people around.  
Moody: Speaking of which, here we are at the Order of the Phoenix headquarters.  
Harry: What’s the Order of the Phoenix?  
Moody: You’ll find out next chapter.  
Harry: God damn it.


	4. Figure XII, Bleakancient House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry arrives at the Order's headquarters and is filled in on what's been going on.

Harry: Okay, it’s next chapter now. What’s is the Ord…?  
Moody: Not out here, boy. Not until we get inside, at this address *hands Harry a small piece of paper*  
Harry: Number 12, Grimmauld Place. I assume we’re at Grimmauld Place right now?  
Lupin: That’s right.  
Harry: And since 11 and 13 are across the road over there, Number 12 should be right here, since odd and even numbers are on opposite sides of the road, right?  
Moody: Don’t get smart with me, boy. It’s clearly over there *points out the space between 11 and 13, where 12 has suddenly appeared*  
Harry: Okay, seriously, what the fuck? Number 11, and all the other house on that side, just moved over to make room for Number 12. Doesn’t that mean Number 1 should be inside another building or hanging over the road now?  
Tonks: I wouldn’t worry about it *sound of a car crashing*  
Harry: Do you seriously expect me to believe that no muggle is noticing this shit?  
Kingsley: Come on in Harry, and don’t ask questions you don’t want an answer to.  
Harry: I DO WANT ANSWERS THOUGH!  
Moody: Boy, if you don’t keep your voice down when we get in there, you don’t want to know what I’ll do to you.  
Harry: I have a name, you know.  
Moody: Boy, before tonight, we never even properly met, so here’s a little information about me: I don’t give a shit about people’s names. I’ll call you what I want, and that’s that.

*inside*  
Molly: Harry, how are you darling?  
Moody: He’s fine Molly, now get him upstairs so we can start the meeting.  
Harry: You call her by her first name, but not me?  
Moody: Boy, she’s terrifying. You are not. Therefore, she gets called by her first name.  
Molly: Come on Harry, Ron and Hermione are upstairs. Let’s get you settled in.  
Harry: Wait, they get to be here, and I’ve been stuck in Privet Drive all summer?  
Molly: Sorry Harry, Dumbledore’s orders.  
Harry: Of course he’s still dictating my life even when I’m not in school.

*upstairs*  
Molly: Here’s where you’ll be sleeping Harry.  
Harry: I assume I’m going to get told what the hell is going at some point.  
Molly: Don’t worry, Ron and Hermione can do that. I’ve gotta go *leaves*  
Harry: Okay, where are they then?  
Ron: SURPRISE HUG! *tackles Harry to the ground* Hey Harry, you have no idea how happy I am to see you.  
Harry: Oh, trust me, I can feel it.  
Ron: Excellent, I was worried you wouldn’t notice.  
Harry: Do…you want to get off me?  
Ron: Nope.  
Harry: *sighs, then shoves Ron off of him* Right, where’s Hermione? I need to know what’s been going on.  
Ron: I could explain it.  
Harry: You could, but I want someone intelligent to explain it.  
Hermione: Hi Harry.  
Harry: Good, you’re here. Now, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! Because in the last month I’ve heard NOTHING substantial from anyone in the wizarding world, I got attacked by fucking DEMENTORS, I’m facing an inquiry at the Ministry for defending myself from said dementors, I’ve just been kidnapped by a seemingly random group of adults to come to the headquarters of an Order that I still don’t know the purpose of, and their headquarters looks like something out of a dark occult museum. So tell me: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!  
Hermione: Oh, that’s easy: Dumbledore told us not to tell you.

Harry: Hermione, you’re my best friend…  
Ron: Apart from me, right?  
Harry: Like I said, my best friend, and I am very much against hitting girls, but I will ignore my natural instincts and smack you if you don’t give me a better answer than that.  
Hermione: Well…you didn’t hear it from me, but the Order is a group of witches and wizards who are doing everything they can to fight against Lord Volde…  
Ron: DON’T SAY THE NAME!  
Hermione: Silly Ron, it’s just a name. He can’t be that bad.  
Harry: Apparently murdering Cedric wasn’t considered a bad thing then?  
Hermione: Well, anyway, Dumbledore was really angry when he found out Mundungus left his shift before it was over.  
Harry: Shift?  
Ron: Yeah, various Order members have been watching you all summer. I’ve volunteered for it, but they keep saying that only the adults get to do it.  
Harry: Huh…you know what would have been nice to know?  
Hermione: What?  
Harry: Knowing I was being guarded so I wouldn’t go walking around somewhere and BEING AMBUSHED BY FUCKING DEMENTORS!  
Hermione: …you know, in hindsight, that makes sense. It’s just that Dumbledore said…  
Harry: I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT DUMBLEDORE SAID! It’s because of him that I had to defend myself in the Triwizard Tournament, when every sensible adult was against me competing in the first place. It’s his damn fault I ended up in a situation where I had to watch Cedric die and Voldemort *loud thundercrack* come back to life.  
Ron: I’m getting the sense you’re upset about something.  
Harry: *sarcastically* Oh, no, why would I be upset about something?  
Ron: Oh good, you’re not upset. So, can we…  
Harry: I swear to God Ron, one more word out of your mouth, and I’ll… *gets cut off by Fred and George Apparating into the room*

Fred: Do you mind Harry?  
George: Yeah, we’re trying to spy on the meeting downstairs.  
Harry: Oh…sorry about that, since you guys probably know what’s going on better than these guys.  
Fred: Oh, believe me, we know so much about what’s been going on.  
George: Yeah, the money you gave us at the end of the last book has gone a long way towards funding our research.  
Harry: Research?  
Fred: Into various jokes and novelty items.  
George: You are going to make us rich.  
Harry: I gave you a million galleons. You’re already rich.  
Fred: Harry, don’t you know anything about capitalism?  
George: The point of it is to hoard as much of the wealth as possible so the filthy peasants below you don’t have anything.  
Fred: And when they complain that they don’t have the money to buy necessities like soap or food, and that we should give some of our excess wealth to the needy, we respond by saying if we did that, we wouldn’t be able to afford our third solid gold yacht.  
George: Which is why Redditors are evil for buying all the Gamestop stocks.  
Hermione: Wouldn’t a solid gold yacht be so heavy it would sink?  
Harry: THAT’S what you’re getting from this?

George: Now, let us continue to test our extendable ears by spying on the meeting downstairs.  
Ginny: You can’t do that.  
Harry: Where the fuck did you come from?  
Ron: Oh, she just does that now. It’s like this house is giving her extra power.  
Harry: Considering I saw a bunch of shrunken house elf heads on the way up here, I not surp… *sees Hermione* Oh…you’re not still on about SPEW, are you?  
Hermione: As it so happens, I…  
Harry: Ginny, what were you saying about not being able to eavesdrop?  
Ginny: Tonks told me that if a room has the Imperturbable Charm on it, you can find out by throwing things at it. If they bounce off, they’re using it.  
Harry: And what did you throw at it?  
Ginny: Mostly knives. It was fun rebounding them into a boggart’s face.  
Harry: How’d you know it was a boggart?  
Ginny: Because it looked like world peace. It was horrifying.  
Harry: Of course it did. So, I assume Percy’s around here somewhere too? *sees everyone’s faces* What did I say?

Hermione: About Percy…  
George: He’s…no longer one of us.  
Harry: Look, I know he’s a git and all, but I’d have thought you’d get as many wizards on your side as possible.  
Fred: Yeah, but he’s decided to side with the Ministry for this situation.  
Harry: …wait, what? What’s the Ministry got to do with this?  
Hermione: You haven’t been reading the Daily Prophet, have you?  
Harry: I have so…well, the front page. By the way, why haven’t they reported Voldemort’s *loud thundercrack* return yet? You’d think that would be something they’d want everyone to be aware of.  
Fred: Ooh boy, who wants to tell him?  
Harry: I’m not gonna like what I’m about to hear, am I?  
Hermione: Harry, the Daily Prophet has been Rita Skeeter-ing your name.  
Harry: …oh shit…  
Ron: Now they’re just making you and Dumbledore look as bad as possible, because Fudge thinks this is a coup to overthrow him as minister.  
Harry: But I thought Percy was arrested because they thought he was involved in the whole Crouch disappearance?  
Fred: Yeah, but then they figured he could redeem himself by spying on us, since we’re actually trying to do something about the actual threat.  
George: I’ll let you guess how well that went down.  
Ron: On the plus side though, Bill’s here.  
Harry: Wait, what? I thought he was off exploring the tombs of Egypt for Gringotts or something like that.  
Fred: Yeah, well, now he’s living in England so he can explore the tombs of Fleur Delacour. And I guess work for the Order.  
Harry: And Charlie?  
George: Still fucking dragons in Romania.  
Harry: Figured as much.  
Fred: Hey, if you can roll as many Nat 20’s as him, might as well take advantage of it.  
George: Well, that’s enough exposition for one chapter. It must almost be time for dinner.

Molly: *entering the room* Indeed it is. Also, why’s there a dead boggart outside the kitchen with a knife in it?  
Ginny: Uhh…Kreacher?  
Molly: Oh, okay *leaves, and the others follow her*  
Harry: Kreacher?  
Ron: The insane house elf that lives here.  
Hermione: Honestly Ron, you’re not acting like a true member of SPEW, calling a poor house elf insane.  
Harry: You forget, we don’t give a shit about your organisation.  
Hermione: That’s no way to… *loud crash from the living room*

Tonks: Oops, sorry.  
Painting: Get the hell out of my house, you filthy heathens.  
Sirius: It’s not your house anymore, you’re dead.  
Painting: No, you’re dead. TO ME! HA, got him.  
Sirius: Stupid bitch *turns around* Hello Harry, let me introduce, my mother.  
Harry: Is that going to be important later on?  
Sirius: Probably not.  
Harry: Excellent, I don’t have to remember it.


	5. Organisation of the Firebird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over dinner, Harry finds out about what the Order has been doing to combat Voldemort.

Harry: So…I take it this is your house?  
Sirius: Yeah, it’s about the only thing I can contribute, since…you know, I’m still a wanted man and such. Plus, Peter’s probably told Voldemort *thundercrack* about the whole Animagus thing, so I can’t even use my dog form now.  
Harry: Wouldn’t Peter have also told Voldemort *thundercrack* about this house too? He was your friend, surely he knows about it.  
Sirius: You’d think that, but no. Anyway, come to kitchen, hopefully we’ll have dinner going in a moment.

*in the kitchen*  
Sirius: Here Harry, just take a seat at the table here.  
Harry: *sees the table covered in loads papers* What’s all this stuff?  
Arthur: Oh, that’s just top-secret Order stuff. Best you don’t look at that, okay?  
Harry: *reading through several pieces of paper* Sure thing Mr. Weasley.  
Arthur: There’s a good boy.  
Molly: *sees what Harry’s looking at* ARTHUR! How could you let him read this stuff?  
Arthur: Harry, you promised me that you wouldn’t read this stuff. How could you betray my trust like that?  
Harry: Not to sound arrogant, but I kinda deserve to know what’s going on because a lot of this is ABOUT me.  
Bill: But Dumbledore said…  
Harry: I swear to God, I will hex the next person to say those three words.  
Fred: *apparating into the room with George* We’re hexing people now?  
George: Can we help?  
Molly: No hexing at the dinner table.  
Fred: But it’s okay in other parts of the house?  
George: Excellent rule mum.  
Molly: That’s not what I…  
Fred: Hey, looks like dinner’s ready *uses his wand to sending the stew flying onto the table, spilling it*  
George: Hey, let me help *also uses his wand to bring a large flagon of butterbeer over, again spilling it*  
Molly: You know, you don’t need to use your wands for everything.  
Fred: But mum, look *indicates that all the food and drink spilled perfectly into the bowls and goblets provided*  
George: It’s like you don’t trust us or something.  
Harry: To be fair, would you trust you?  
Fred and George: Of course not. What a stupid question Harry.

Molly: Okay, let’s eat.  
Tonks: There’s no meat in this, is there?  
Molly: There is meat in this, and if there’s a problem with that, you can take it up with the one who cooked it.  
Tonks: But…you’re the one cooked it.  
Molly: Exactly.  
Tonks: *swallows nervously before eating some of it* It’s…good.  
Molly: Damn right it is.  
Sirius: So, Harry, how’s your summer been?  
Harry: Well, other than the lack of news, the dementor attack, and the looming threat of expulsion that sounds more like a promise, it’s been great.  
Hermione: But Harry, that’s been your entire summer.  
Harry: I know, I was there.  
Sirius: Look, if we had any reason to suspect Mundungus would bugger off like that, we’d have sent someone competent.  
Mundungus: *waking up after looking like a pile of rags up to this point* Hey, I take offence to that. I had business to attend to.  
Ginny: You don’t want to know what would happen to you if something had happened to Harry through your negligence.  
Mundungus: Aww, that’s adorable. You think you’re a thre… *sees actual fire in Ginny’s eyes* Umm…so, what made you think you could fight those dementors Harry?  
Harry: Do you think I’d have gone after dementors if a) I knew they were there, b) that I’d get expelled for defending myself from them, and c) that I had a freaking bodyguard who SHOULD have been around to protect me from such an issue?  
Sirius: Which raises a good point, why don’t we tell Harry everything? Given that this is an organisation meant to protect him, at least in part.  
Molly: Because Dumble…  
Harry: You’re not exempt from my hex threat.  
Molly: Oh? You’re threatening me child?  
Harry: You know what? Yes, I am *stunned silence from the rest of the table*  
Ron: *as his mother got up* Well Harry, it was nice knowing you, but…  
Molly: *putting a hand on his shoulder* Well done. No-one else has ever had the balls to stand up to me before.  
Arthur: Wait, what? That’s all someone has to do to stand up to you? Then I challen…  
Molly: Sit the fuck back down Arthur.  
Arthur: Yes dear.  
Molly: Anyway, since you have proved you’re actually willing to try and stand up to me, we shall now tell you what you want to know about the Order.  
Hermione: Wait, Harry’s been here an hour and gets to learn everything, and the rest of us have been here weeks and know nothing.  
Harry: You know I’m going to tell them everything anyway, right?  
Molly: *sigh* Fine, whatever, they can stay.  
Ginny: Even me?  
Molly: Yes, why do you ask?  
Harry: Because in the original book she’s the only one that gets sent to bed, and throws a tantrum on her way up there.  
Molly: Well, we don’t want that. She might hurt herself disturbing one of the monsters still hiding around the house.  
Ginny: *eye twitch* Yes, I’d be the one getting hurt.

Harry: So, what the hell’s been going on?  
Sirius: Well, Voldemort’s *thundercrack* been building an army, so we’ve been doing the same. Unfortunately, Fudge has been making that very difficult.  
Harry: Why the hell would he do that?  
Lupin: He assumes that the claims of You-Know-Who being back are Dumbledore’s way of trying to scare people into letting Dumbledore take over the Minister of Magic job.  
Harry: But surely you guys are able to convince some people to join you?  
Tonks: Well, considering that me and Arthur would get fired for even attempting to disagree with Fudge, and the fact that we have a werewolf and an escaped murderer as two of our main members…  
Sirius: I told you, that was Pettigrew.  
Molly: Unfortunately, that’s not what the public thinks.  
Bill: Also, the goblins aren’t willing to join our cause either.  
Harry: Wait, you’ve been trying to convince the goblins to join us?  
Bill: Yeah, why’d you think I was here?  
Harry: I was under the impression you were just here to bang Fleur Delacour.  
Bill: I can do two things. One of them in a literal sense.  
Harry: So, why are the goblins not wanting to help us?  
Bill: Because they’re loyal to the goblin mafia, and they’re currently trying to hunt down Ludo Bagman. And because Bagman’s a human, they assume all humans are the same as him, and convincing them otherwise is next to impossible.  
Lupin: So, as you can see, we’re totally fucked, and it’s mostly Rita Skeeter’s fault for trying to make you look bad last year.  
Harry: Are we actually blaming the return of Wizard Hitler on a member of the paparazzi?  
Sirius: Be honest, you want to do that anyway.  
Harry: Yeah, you’re right. Honestly, there will never be a more horrible, despicable character than her in this series.

*meanwhile, at the Ministry*  
Umbridge: *suddenly looking up* Hmm? I thought I heard someone challenging me.

*back at Grimmauld Place*  
Sirius: So that’s basically the situation. But fortunately, we know about something he didn’t have last time, and it’s…  
Molly: Bedtime.  
Sirius: What?  
Molly: The kids are going to bed now.  
Harry: You know what? I don’t think we are *Molly gets right into his face*  
Molly: Don’t push your luck. Bed. Time. Now.  
Harry: …yes ma’am.


	6. The Grand and Ultimate Antique Home of Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Molly makes the kids clean the house, and Harry learns about the racist and inbred history of the Black family.

Molly: *leading the kids upstairs* To bed, all of you.  
Harry: You know we’re gonna stay up half the night discussing this, right?  
Molly: You won’t if you know what’s good for you.  
Ron: Come on Harry, let’s get into bed.  
Molly: See, Ron has the right idea.  
Harry: Not for me he doesn’t.  
Ron: Less talk, more fuck *drags Harry to their room and locks the door*  
Harry: Let me guess, you locked the door so I couldn’t escape?  
Ron: Nah, needed to make sure Kreacher didn’t try to join in again.  
Harry: Again? I’ve been here about three hours. You haven’t had time to…  
Ron: *pulling out a sock puppet made to look like Harry and starts talking in a poor impression of Harry’s voice* Oh Ron, you’re my bestest best friend in the whole world. If only there was some way to repay you for your friendness…  
Harry: Those aren’t even words.  
Ron: Well Sock-Harry, there is *unzips his pants*  
Sock-Harry: Oh Ron, of course I will.  
Harry: I don’t need to see this *Fred and George apparate into the room*

Fred: Hey Ron, play with Sock-Harry again?  
Harry: Why do you act like this is perfectly normal?  
George: For him, it is.  
Harry: *sigh* I’m stuck in a house with weirdos. So, why’d you guys come down here?  
Fred: To discuss what Sirius was about to tell us before mum cut him off.  
Harry: Do you actually know what it is?  
George: Well, not exactly.  
Fred: But Sirius was saying it’s something they didn’t have last time.  
George: So, we tried to think, what have the Order got now that wouldn’t have existed last time He was around?  
Fred: And then it hit us: He inspires fear, and what combats fear really well?  
George: Laughter, my dear brother.  
Harry: …are you implying that…  
Fred and George: We’re the Order’s secret weapon.  
Harry: *sigh* Well, this conversation’s gone stupid. Hopefully the girls are discussing something slightly more intelligent.

*meanwhile, in the girl’s room*  
Ginny: So…you’re smart, right?  
Hermione: One of the top witches in my year, so yeah.  
Ginny: And you know how to make various potions, right?  
Hermione: Yeah? Do you need help with one?  
Ginny: Yes, a love potion.  
Hermione: D’aww, does widdle Ginny have a crush?  
Ginny: *reminding herself that she needs Hermione alive and responds through gritted teeth* Yeah, sure, whatever gets you to help.  
Hermione: Well, it is slightly unethical, but I can probably help you out with one once I can get my hands on the ingredients.  
Ginny: What do you mean unethical? What could be unethical about forcing the object of your affections to love and adore you for all time? It’s not like there’s any chance it could possibly end badly or something.

*the next day*  
Molly: Okay, today we’ll be clearing out a doxy nest, since Kreacher is completely useless and let these things infest the house.  
Hermione: It’s not his fault, he’s elderly and can’t do as much anymore.  
Sirius: Kreacher is capable of a lot when he puts his mind to it. He just couldn’t be bothered doing his job while the place was unoccupied. Now, if you don’t mind *picks up a bag of dead rats* I’m going to feed Buckbeak.  
Harry: Wait, Buckbeak’s here?  
Sirius: Yeah, I keep him in my mother’s bedroom, since I want him to wreck the place. And I like feeding him dead rats because I keep imagining feeding Pettigrew to him. It’s one of the few joys I have these days.  
Ron: That reminds me, you still owe me a rat.  
Sirius: Are you still on about that? *hears the doorbell* I better go get that, in case it’s something important.  
Ron: More important than getting me a new rat?  
Harry: Ron, it’s been over a year since we found out your rat was responsible for the deaths of my parents. Get over it.  
Ron: How could Scabbers kill your parents?  
Harry: *sigh* Mrs. Weasley, can you just realise the doxies already?  
Molly: Right. Now, fair warning, doxies are poisonous, so don’t get bitten.  
Harry: Wouldn’t that make them venomous?  
Molly: No, it clearly says in this book that they’re poisonous *holds up the book*  
Fred: It was written by Gilderoy Lockhart.  
Molly: So?  
George: You don’t actually believe him, do you?  
Molly: Are you doubting the word of Gilderoy Lockhart?  
All the kids: Yes.  
Molly: Right, well…DOXIES *unleashes doxies on everyone*

Hermione: Wait, what do we do about them?  
Molly: Use the doxy spray on them to paralyse them.  
Ron: You never gave us the spray.  
Molly: Oh…right.  
Ginny: *seeing several doxies flying at Harry* You don’t want to do that *doxies turn to look at her, decide to attack her instead, and burst into flames inches from her face*  
Harry: I think we found a way to get rid of them then. HEY DOXIES, OVER HERE! *the remaining doxies fly at him, each one exploding as they got close*  
Fred: Ginny, can you just maim one or two?  
Ginny: …why?  
George: That’s our business, not yours.  
Molly: I’m your mother. What are you doing with them?  
Fred: Never you mind.  
Harry: I’m your primary investor.  
George: Research for one of our joke products.  
Molly: You tell him, but not me?  
Fred: Hey, we gave you and dad the opportunity to invest in our future, and you chose not to. Now, Harry on the other hand, gave us our funding.  
Harry: I also didn’t actually ask what you were doing, you just chose to answer me of your own accord.  
Fred: …he pulled an Aladdin on us.

Molly: Alright, lunchtime.  
George: What are we having?  
Molly: There’s a pile of fried doxies right there.  
Ron: Oh boy *starts eating them*  
Harry: I think I’ll pass *sees a huge tapestry on the wall* Hey, what’s this?  
Sirius: Ah, that’s the Black family tree.  
Harry: Cool, let’s see where you are *looks at the bottom and sees a huge burn mark where Sirius should be* Oh…  
Sirius: Yeah, mum wasn’t too impressed that I didn’t want to join in on the family’s racism against witches and wizards with muggle parents.  
Harry: They were Death Eaters?  
Sirius: No, but my brother was.  
Harry: You had a brother?  
Sirius: Yeah, Regulus. Remember that name, it’ll be important later.  
Harry: I won’t *sees several names he recognises* Crabbe…Tonks…MALFOY?!  
Sirius: Well, you see Harry, a lot of Death Eaters and Voldemort’s *thundercrack* supporters have this belief that magic needs to stay pure.  
Harry: …I don’t think I’m going to like this explanation, am I?  
Sirius: And to do that, marrying cousins is highly encouraged within their circles.  
Harry: How the hell did THAT make it into a children’s book?  
Sirius: Probably because we’re into the darker and edgier part of the series, and the characters who actually partook in it are fairly obscure.  
Harry: And some of these names. I mean, Andromeda, Walburga, Bellatrix?  
Sirius: That last one’s my crazy cousin.  
Harry: Crazy because of all the inbreeding?  
Sirius: Probably.  
Harry: Right…so, when the ministry kicks me out in a few days’ time, can I move in here with you? You know, since you are technically my legal guardian.  
Sirius: Legal’s a…questionable choice of word there.  
Molly: Don’t worry about the trial Harry. Arthur said he’ll be defending you.  
Sirius: …so, when you get kicked out of Hogwarts in a few days’ time, you’re welcome to move in here with me.


	7. The Bureau of Wizardry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur takes Harry to his disciplinary hearing. What could possibly go wrong?

Molly: Good morning Harry, what would you like for breakfast?  
Harry: I’ll take whatever. I never really gave much thought as to what I’d have for a last meal anyway.  
Molly: Oh, come on now Harry, you’re not being executed.  
Harry: Your husband’s the one defending me. I’m pretty sure he’ll somehow upgrade the charges so that I am executed.  
Arthur: Oh Harry, don’t be like that. I’ve even been practicing my lawyering skills really hard all week, ready for your 9am trial.  
Harry: Really?  
Arthur: Yep. I beat every single Phoenix Wright game.  
Harry: …I’m fucking screwed.

*at the nearest Tube station*  
Arthur: Oh, I can never understand how muggle currency works.  
Harry: It’s simple. The coins are the smaller denominations, while the notes are the higher denominations.  
Arthur: Silly Harry, metal is worth more than paper. Therefore, the coins must be worth more. It so much sense now.  
Harry: …I’ll take care of paying for tickets.

*at the other end*  
Arthur: Okay, where are we?  
Harry: Please tell me you’re not lost.  
Arthur: Well, someone decided we should take the train instead.  
Harry: That was YOUR idea.  
Arthur: Harry, now’s not the time to point fingers at who’s wrong.  
Harry: You’re right, because it’s obvious who’s at fault.

Arthur: I think we need to go into that phonebooth.  
Harry: It looks a bit cramped.  
Arthur: Don’t worry, it’s bigger on the inside.  
Harry: Then why isn’t it blue?  
Arthur: Less talk, more cram *shoves Harry into phonebooth*  
Phonebooth: Hello, and welcome to the Ministry of Magic’s top secret guest entryway. Please state the reason for your visit today.  
Harry: They complain about me using a spell with a single possible use, but they have this set up where any muggle can access it?  
Arthur: Ah, yes, this is Arthur Weasley and Harry Potter. I need to take him to trial because he’s a criminal.  
Harry: Aren’t you supposed to be defending me?  
Arthur: Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.  
Phonebooth: Thank you Arthur. Please assist Mr. Potter in putting on this orange jumpsuit and handcuffs *the mentioned items come out of the coin return slot*  
Arthur: Well, you heard the voice.  
Harry: I’m not wearing those.  
Arthur: Come on Harry, you need to wear them so the members of the court can see that you’re guilty.  
Harry: Aren’t you trying to clear my name?  
Arthur: I never said that. I only said I’d be defending you.  
Harry: …is it too late to say I’ll defend myself? It probably won’t work either, but at least it’ll be less stupid.  
Phonebooth: Heading down to the Ministry of Magic headquarters. Please wait *floor of the phonebooth starts lowering into the ground*  
Harry: And this is invisible to muggles, right?  
Muggle: Holy shit, the floor of that phonebooth is sinking into the ground.  
Harry: SERIOUSLY?! These people complained about me?

*Mr. Weasley’s office*  
Arthur: Well, here’s where I work.  
Harry: This is a broom closet.  
Arthur: Yeah, it’s great, isn’t it?  
Harry: And they’re making you share it.  
Arthur: You should have seen where I worked before I was promoted.  
Harry: This is an upgrade from something?  
Kingsley: *poking his head into Arthur’s office* WEASLEY! We need that firearms report pronto. Also, we think Sirius has got his flying motorcycle again and his using it to transport himself around Tibet.  
Arthur: But Kingsley, Sirius’s motorcycle was destroyed when Hagrid tried to return it, and Sirius himself is hiding at his parent’s place. You should know that.  
Kingsley: Arthur, we’re at work. You’re supposed to barely know me.  
Arthur: Oh, ah…forget all that then.  
Kingsley: Damn right. Now get to work *turns to leave*  
Arthur: Molly’s making meatballs if you can get to HQ by 7.  
Kingsley: Shut up Weasley *leaves*

Arthur: Now that he’s gone, all we have to do is wait for 8am when your hearing begins.  
Harry: Wait, 8am?  
Arthur: Yeah, what’s wrong with that?  
Harry: YOU SAID IT WAS 9AM!  
Arthur: Relax, we have plenty of time.  
Harry: It’s 8:05 now.  
Arthur: Relax, they won’t start without you.  
Harry: I’m pretty sure they will.  
Arthur: Well, if you’re that worried about it, it’s not that far away. Just take two lefts, a right, go up three flights of stairs until you get to the elevator, go down six floors, then it’s three rights, a left, a right, do a U-turn, then up two flights of stairs, and it’ll be the eighth door on your right.  
Harry: Aren’t you supposed to be my lawyer?  
Arthur: Since when do lawyers go into courtrooms?  
Harry: God. Fucking. Damn it *sprints out of the room*


	8. The Trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry arrives at his use of underage magic trial. Does he succeed in clearing his name?
> 
> ...Of course he does. If you didn't know that, why the hell are you reading this fic? God, go read the books already.

Fudge: Mr. Potter, thank you for finally joining us.  
Harry: Yeah, well, blame my lawyer for sending me on the most roundabout route to get somewhere three doors down from his office.  
Fudge: Yeah, we told him to do that.  
Harry: WHY?!  
Fudge: Because we wanted you to completely miss the trial so we didn’t have to listen to your evidence.  
Harry: That seems kind of illegal.  
Fudge: My courtroom, my rules. Percy, start recording everything.  
Percy: Yes sir *dips his quill in an inkwell, before drawing his wand* Nota Omnia *the quill starts writing on its own*

Fudge: Now, is your name Harry James Potter?  
Harry: It is.  
Fudge: YOU SEE?! He confesses.  
Harry: Wow, the most famous wizard alive admitted what his name is. What an absolutely horrible crime that is.  
Fudge: You’re mocking me. That’s contempt of court.  
Harry: I’m certainly feeling a lot of contempt, that’s for sure.  
Fudge: Are you going to take this matter seriously or not?  
Harry: Are you?  
Fudge: I make the rules of the courtroom, not you Potter, and I say that you need to be expelled immediately.  
Harry: Before I even get to state my case?  
Fudge: You don’t have a case.  
Harry: You don’t know that unless I tell you my side of the story.  
Fudge: It doesn’t matter. Like I said, my courtroom, my rules.  
Harry: And you wonder why I’m not taking the trial seriously.

Dumbledore: May I cut in here?  
Harry: Oh, this is going to be good.  
Dumbledore: Minerva told me you’re planning to expel one of my students, and I said I don’t care about that.  
Harry: Then why are you…  
Dumbledore: But then she told me it was Harry and I said “aww hell no, that’s my lamb to slaughter.”  
Harry: Wait, what?  
Fudge: Unfortunately, Mr. Potter has already confessed to his crimes…  
Harry: I confessed to my NAME!  
Fudge: And I decided your name is a crime.  
Harry: Wouldn’t that mean my parents have to serve the sentence?  
Fudge: And since they’re dead, you have to serve the sentence in their place.  
Dumbledore: *waving his finger as he speaks* Ah ah ah. My lamb to slaughter.  
Harry: Are we seriously not going to address this?  
Fudge: Look, he cast the Patronus charm in a muggle neighbourhood…  
Harry: Yeah, a spell with a single specific function. If I wanted to use magic in public, don’t you think I’d use something a bit more common?  
Fudge: SEE?! He admits to wanting to use more magic in public.  
Harry: That’s not even close to what I…  
Fudge: Percy, change all the official court documents to reflect what I just said he confessed to in order to prove his guilt.  
Percy: Yes sir, even though it seems slightly illegal.  
Harry: SLIGHTLY?!  
Dumbledore: As it so happens, I have a witness to prove Harry’s innocence in regards to the dementors being in Little Whinging.  
Fudge: Since when are witnesses relevant to getting the guilty verdict I want?

Mrs. Figg: Do you need me yet Albus?  
Fudge: Who the hell are you?  
Mrs. Figg: My name’s Arabella Figg, and I saw the dementors attacking those boys. Therefore, Harry is innocent.  
Fudge: Maybe so, but I already decided he’s guilty, so… *raises his gabble, only for Mrs. Figg to hit him with her cane* OW! What the hell?  
Mrs. Figg: Listen here you ignorant, corrupted, old dingbat…  
Fudge: How dare you call me old? *gets hit with the cane again*  
Mrs. Figg: You will find Mr. Potter innocent without your biased bullshit, or I will continue hitting you with my cane. Do we have a deal?  
Fudge: But I… *Mrs. Figg starts smacking him with her cane* OW! OW! Okay, okay, cleared of all charges.  
Mrs. Figg: Damn right he is, Arabella out *leaves while flipping off everyone in the room, and slamming the doors behind her*

Harry: Well, looks like I’m free to…  
Witch in pink: Not so fast.  
Harry: Your boss just said I was free to go, so I’m…  
Witch in pink: He said you were cleared of all charges, not that you were free to go. Do you think I came in on Shabbat Nachamu for there to be no charges laid against you? I demand justice to be served…  
Fudge: Stop, Dolores. They might bring back that monster from before. Besides, you’ll get your revenge soon enough.  
Umbridge: Hmm…I suppose you’re right *slight giggle*  
Harry: That sounds ominous, but whatever. I’m outta here.


End file.
